I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
