Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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