I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My feet surprised me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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