Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
