I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
