She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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