My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
