She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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