I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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