Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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