mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm like, not good at living.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
