Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sober January is a disaster.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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