mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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