I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
