Your face is a jimmy john
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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