I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
