the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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