Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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