you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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