i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
