I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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