I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
