Swine flu. Run for my life!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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