When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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