your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
