you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I cut my penus on the lid.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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