I accidentally burped into my bong.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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