4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
