got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have aggressive nipples.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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