for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
