I will die if light touches me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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