So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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