my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
