i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
