Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
