A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
