Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
