So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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