I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
