My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
