Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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