hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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