I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
