we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
