whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
