I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
