i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize