walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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