worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
