idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
