The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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