I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
