Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
