peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize
