If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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