I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
