Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
